Sometimes Love is Inconvenient!

Sometimes Love is Inconvenient!

It is common to have romantic and unrealistic ideas about love, relationships and marriage. Our childhood is nourished with fairytales and love stories. It is hard work to love someone 24*7, seven days a week. Nobody will tell you that.

It hits you after the honeymoon ends. Sometimes slowly, sometimes suddenly. Your partner is your constant companion, and you have to manage all the demands of work and life. One day you feel a pit in your stomach and wonder if you were married to the wrong person. This shouldn’t be the way a relationship should be. They shouldn’t be forced to do what we want. You may wonder if they will ever grow up. It can feel like you’re losing your love. It’s easy to wonder what love feels like. It is hard to remember when you were last attracted or connected to your partner.

It’s true. It takes a lot more than we could ever imagine to create a loving, healthy, mature, fun relationship. Then what?

Relationships can be difficult for many reasons. Relationships can be difficult because of the influences we have as children and the lessons we learn about love and how to relate. These early experiences can help us form limiting beliefs regarding relationships.

What Did You Learn About Love?

Did your mom teach you how respectfully to solve conflicts? Did you hear that it was worth being very uncomfortable for a while to reach the sweetness of understanding?

Did dad speak about the deep trust and richness of deep sharing instead of shutting down, settling or swallowing your opinions to please your partner?

Did one of your parents mention how important it is to give each other autonomy but not too much that the relationship becomes selfish?

How about Aunt Betsy and Uncle Bob? They shared how much love and patience it takes to accept your partner, with all their human flaws, while holding them accountable for being better.

Last but not least, many couples get destroyed by their partners, or their past hurts.

These are the things that most couples I work with confess to not having learned until they were in pain or near divorce. Why? Why would we choose to enter a relationship or marriage with only half of a deck? The culture expects women and men to succeed without any basic skills.

Parents do everything they can to raise their children. But you cannot teach what you don’t know. Too many couples struggle with making things work when they have no tools. This is why we see high divorce rates and disillusioned couples. There are also many blended families with children who have no model of love and respect. Love is not a lack of love. It’s because it requires skill. Love is difficult and inconvenient.

The Honeymoon is Over

Appreciation can fade after a while. Exasperation, stress and criticism can all crowd out the feel-good feelings. It is impossible to see the same person with the same characteristics that we love.

We are kept awake by our partner’s snoring, farting at inappropriate times, crushing romantic moments, forgetting important dates, and sleeping through a crying baby with no support or comfort. They are no longer the person you used to admire for their relaxed, laid-back attitude. It is hard to believe their lack of motivation or inability to relax.

Let’s look at another example. Your partner had one thing you loved the most: how they were present, kind, easygoing and generous. It is hard to believe that such remarkable qualities can lead to a breakup.

There are two sides to every trait: the shadow self and the inner self

This person may also be chronically late and frustrated at their inexplicable tardiness. They are often late, so why is that? They’re simply “being present” by talking to a friend at the grocery store or being kind to co-workers struggling to unload their work. They couldn’t refuse to help, and it wouldn’t have been kind.

Maybe your serious, analytical, practical, and pragmatic nature attracted you. They helped you ground yourself, even though you felt a bit too whimsical. They’re now negative and constantly point out the wrongs, analyze everything to death, etc. It takes them forever to make decisions, so you’re done with them!

You loved how they were the party’s life, but now you want someone to step up and take responsibility.

Couples begin to see the good in their partner, despite all of his faults. The spotlight is now on the crumbs on their kitchen counter, the dishes at the sink, dirty clothes in the bedroom and the unfinished projects. Something is pointing at you everywhere you turn, warning you that you might have made a mistake. You are not Prince Charming or Cinderella standing before you. What are you going to do?

Get back your sense of humor, and you’ll be ready to act from a new perspective.

Deepen your breath. Your spouse is still the wonderful person you married. You have just been seeing them through emotions that distort your vision and catching a glimpse into their shadow side.

Once trust is established in a relationship, it is time to work out the unresolved issues or incomplete stories. We all need to learn from our mistakes. Your mirror is your partner.

Relationships–An invitation to grow!

A request is made to you for love, even though it may be difficult:

  • Don’t be afraid to take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling like it.
  • You can resolve a dispute when you are ready to go to bed or if you’re stubbornly right.
  • When your partner is late or working during dinner, be patient.
  • You can be grateful for diaper changes, but you would rather be on the slopes skiing.
  • Even if you aren’t interested, listen.
  • Don’t insist on perfection.

Time to recognize that everyone is worth it. Include yourself and your partner. They are all human. Get ready to become the partner you dream of being:

  • Be kind if you desire kindness.
  • Accept unconditionally if you desire acceptance
  • Listen attentively if you want to be a good listener.
  • Plan for more adventure if you are looking for more!

Your relationship’s quality is up to you.

Sometimes, love can be difficult!

 

Love & Relationship